The day before court and I am overwhelmed. I am scared and hopeful but, at war with myself in general.
My emotions on this are killing me.
I am consumed by them.
My morals and values pull me one way... ...
"What if I were in his shoes?"
''What would I do if I burned someone's house down?"
''What would I expect to happen?"
"Why is it so hard to forgive him?"
My pain and emotions are pulling me another completely...
"Why is it ok to burn someone's house down?"
"Why does he not feel bad?"
"Why does he not want to help?"
"Why did his house NOT burn?"
I have almost come to grips with the reality that we probably won't see a dime to cover what he took from us, I have ALMOST come to terms with the fact that he paid off his home the day before he burned mine down, That he said clearly, "I don't have anything to give away for free right now" when I asked him if he could help.
Why is it so much easier to deny that anything was done wrong and to ignore the problem? Why do drug dealers and bad people have more people willing to help them out? Why do people have an easier time believing I burnt my own home down for nonexistent insurance than to believe the truth. Why does god think I can handle this? My head has been filled with nothing but questions nothing but tears and breakdowns, I am almost a pro at answering myself now... The things this man has done to me and my family are unthinkable and not all visible.
The kids may not see my tears all the time, they may not know. They may not understand that Mom and Dad don't eat sometimes so that they can have those ramen noodles, They may not think about the costs of the shoes or clothes or shampoo that we know they need. They may not think about the bills that we pay to make sure they have everything they need. They may not notice how hard we work to make sure that they don't notice how bad off we are. They may say its ok about Christmas, we don't need much, but I can see the want they have in their eyes. They may not know I watch but, I see the change in them. I noticed how much longer it took for her to fall asleep without her blanket and stuffed animal. I noticed how much distrust he now has, how he doesn't want to be gone from me too long. I notice.
I have ALMOST come to a unanimous agreement between my two emotion halves of myself that this is a lesson to learn a chance to grow...
Then one side of my heart/head torn asunder pips up from the background...
WHY IS IT OK TO BURN SOMEONE'S HOUSE DOWN?
WHY IS IT OK TO TAKE SOMEONE'S LIFETIME OF DREAMS AND MEMORIES AND PICTURES AWAY?
WHY IS IT OK TO DESTROY SOMEONES LIFE AND NOT FEEL GUILTY OR HAVE TO PAY FOR IT?
WHY CAN HE GET AWAY WITH THIS?
I don't understand anymore, I don't need to I suppose. I will sit content knowing my children are ALIVE, that I am ALIVE (even if I don't wanna be at the moment)
I will Thank God that we were not home when my trailer burned down,
I will thank God that people were nice enough to give us clothes and toiletries after the fire,
I will thank God for those who helped out with what they could Monetarily.
I will thank God for a loving boyfriend who took us in and gave us a roof over our heads.
But, I continue to pray....
I pray for the capacity to forgive the man,
I pray for the patience and understanding,
I pray that we get out of this debt he caused,
I pray we can have Christmas,
I pray for him to realize what he did,
I pray for another days worth of food for the kids,
I pray my kids grow up knowing that doing something like burning down a families home has consequences,
I pray that His home never burns down,
I pray that my shoes last long enough for tax season,
I pray that I never lose those I love,
I pray that society doesn't lose the ability to prosecute those that do wrong,
I pray that society doesn't overlook things like this in the future,
I pray for our family,
I pray for our home,
I pray for his family and his home.
I pray for myself.
I'm going to go cry and drink lots of coffee....